Recent reactions to a photo of TSA racer Colton “the Analist” Jarisch have brought old allegations against our team to the surface once again, which I would like to address now.
Let me be clear. Team Super Awesome members do not use, or encourage the use of, performance enhancing drugs. However, a regular part of the TSA training regiment includes the use of all natural Unicorn-sourced supplements. Many of these supplements and essences enhance our naturally occurring abilities to forcefully dominate, and will continue to be a firmly held secret.
The power of these items is beyond the physical capacity of the average human, and even in the TSA elite has produced some unexpected results. The most noticeable of these was unfortunately captured on film recently, and can no longer be kept secret. I am referring to a condition previously known only within our own ranks as the “Third Leg” (it was widely believed that a forehead horn would be the most likely side effect). The Third Leg is a LARGE source of our power. Frequently tapped into when our birth legs begin to drain, another team member opens a hole in the field, or when exposed to a particularly sexy competitor.
Sometime in early 2011 Rey “the DJ” Madolora made a recon trip to Asia, where some of the last know Unicorns are said to exist in limited numbers. Rey’s natural abilities to coax creatures on every continent, a bene placito, made it possible for the Orensis Unicornis to transfer some of its DNA to Rey (this process however can not be revealed but, believe me, Rey is SO good at it!).
This extract is referred to inside TSA ranks as UGH (Unicorn Growth Hormone). UGH is all natural, can be taken internally in a variety of ways, and is directly responsible for Third Leg. The results of this extract first manifested in our female team members who noticed that at the end of particularly strenuous efforts they actually became even more beautiful! Displaying a sparkling aura that would last for hours (often distracting the competition). The effect in our male members was HUGELY different. As a result the coveted TSA kit was recalled for alterations, reinforcing certain panels so as not to reveal our enhancements to our competitors.
TSA’s Department of Intelligence Concerning Knowledge keeps a third-eye, so to speak, on our members enhanced physical traits, and keeps them from being revealed in public. While we couldn’t be prouder of the Analist’s ability to split his dominance between two teams, we could not foresee what the result would be when he was photographed in a Mercy Elite Cycling Team kit which has none of the required reinforcements that we rely on!
Photo note: for those unfamiliar with Colton, he is the one with hands behind his back pointing at the bike
Now that this photo has gone global, TSA has decided to be transparent and let the world know what was already suspected. The Third Leg is real, and should be feared. To be in the presence of a Third Leg-wielding racer can be hard on males in particular, but do not expect us to discontinue the use of our Third Leg technique on you regardless of your sex. Please refrain from asking a TSA member to show you the Third Leg…we have a court order strictly prohibiting us from doing just that (at least until ‘cross season). Take this as a warning. I recommend you keep your distance…at least 10-12 inches.
Chief Liaison In Training