The Perfect Human Machine isn’t about hard work. It isn’t about dedication. Certainly not some silly fairytale comeback story. Nope. Not one fucking bit. The Perfect Human Machine can be built part by part, much like a living Erector Set. In fact, it already has been built.
This is its story.
The one shining example was built with the parts from many different species. Before we break out the large breasted car show model and take the covers off of this beauty, it is important to looks at some of the specific features on this unique example.
The giraffe heart weighs as much as 25 pounds and can be as large as 2 feet in length. This heart can pump a very efficient 16 gallons of blood per minute. In addition to a highly powerful heart, our example inherited the age old “necking” trait of the mighty giraffe. This necking is the process of sizing up an opponent, leaning into this opponent, and showing by force who is more erect. Our example has never lost a show of erection, as this is not possible.
Lungs: Pronghorn Antelope
The Pronghorn Antelope can average over 30 miles per hour for over 20 miles, runs a marathon in approximately 45 minutes, and can maintain speeds up to 60 miles per hour for miles at a time. This requires enormous aerobic capacity. The unique combination of the afore mentioned Giraffe Heart and these lungs have created a species with an unparalled cardio-vascular system.
Legs: East Germany Olympic Training Center (AKA State Plan 14.25)
Closed to the free world in 1965, the former East German Olympic Training Center is a known producer of many of the worlds most technologically advanced athletes over a nearly 30 year period. The 1976 Olympic Games were dominated by East German swimmers and East German athletes collected an astounding 40 gold medals. The legs of our example were fine tuned by Dr Heinz Wuschech while under the watchful eye of Manfred Ewald, the head of the GDR’s sports federation.
Arms: Bonobo Chimpanzee
The Bonobo is well known in the scientific community for its use of sex as its primary social behavior. The bonobo has been known to use sex as a greeting, a defense mechanism, in resolving conflict amongst its peers, and then in the ever popular make-up sex department. Unfazed by trivial things such a partner age (provided that they meet minimum local, state, and federal Age of Consent regulations- our legal department insisted that this byline be made clear), sex, and looks, the dominate Bonobo becomes a highly sought after gigolo. Also known for its ability to masturbate for hours at a time, for examples visit your local Zoo, the Bonobo has an extraordinary set of arms. The arms used on our example were selected after an extensive global search for a Bonobo capable of keeping his bitches in check, yet self-gratify at a furious pace.
Eyes and Hands: Ayrton Senna
The 3-time Formula One World Champion is generally regarded as the greatest driver to ever grace a racing a vehicle. Senna was known to take a less than ideal race car, wring its neck, and crush the spirits of his opponents with his skill and determination. Although the world lost Ayrton in 1994, our subject has benefitted from the harvesting of Senna’s eyes and hands. These tools enable The Perfect Human Machine to visualize the complete psycological and physical domination of all deemed unworthy and execute said domination with little regard for anything other than a trip to the top step of a victory podium.
Liver: John Belushi
Although the comedy world was shocked (not really) at the Speedball’d end to John Belushi at only age 32, the liver has managed to live on. This liver was perfectly seasoned, yet not old enough to have been destroyed. Much like its original owner, our example has fantastic comedic timing and is prone to blurting out some crazy shit at inopportune times. These highlights are not to be considered considered defects, but an added bonus to such a fine example of liver perfection.
Brains: Albert Einstein/ Andy Warhol/ Leonardo Da Vinci
The brain of The Perfect Human Machine is a hybrid of sorts. Using equal parts genius, artist, and inventor, this brain functions at a level never before known. When tested on our Brainometer, the subject hit over IQ416 and then the machine blew up. Unimpressed with the quality of lab equipment used during testing and development, our creation took it upon himself to rebuild the entire lab, headquarters, and motor vehicles. These facilities are available for tours by members of the accredited press and invited guests willing to sign extensive contracts and non-disclosure agreements.
Penis: Greater Hooked Squid
With a penis to body size ratio of 1:1, our engineers were left with just one word when making this selection: “duh.”
Manliness: Steve McQueen
Women wanted to sleep with him and men wanted to be him, Steve McQueen oozed the essence of man. A decent actor, a motorcyclist, budding racing car driver, and all around mans man, Steve McQueen seemed to only get better with age. McQueen was also regarded as a shining example of the anti-douchebag. In tapping into this stream of man, our engineers were able to draw all of the world class elements listed above into a complete package that can only be described as sweet perfection.
And now, without further fanfare, we invite you to strike up the band, break out the glitter, and fasten your seatbelt. It is time to take the wraps off this beauty.
We simply call this Perfect Human Machine by one name: