Ladies, and Gentlemen,
I present to you our newest Member. We lovingly refer to as the Executioner.
Hello you good looking Bastards,
We just wanted to drop you a quick line on what we feel are some important points.
Recently there has been a lot of whining about improper behavior, and poor heckling. I for one will agree. A lot of attendees and participants in our small local scene just do not get it. The point of competition, and heckling is not to discourage and offend. Your taunts need to be witty and creative. They are to inspire ones “foes”, and make them better. Possibly even to make them smile. I will be the first to say the T$A has been guilty of doing this improperly. We have members whom have taken it a bit far on the Social Medias, and posted items that were not in the least bit humorous. We all make mistakes. The T$A is here to make light of these situations. We are here for you! We want everyone, and I mean everyone to have a good time. If you do not have a good time at an event we are in attendance, we apologize and also owe you a punch in the face. Because it is also your fault. Buckle down, put a smile on your god dang face and LIVE!
All of this being said, I do not want anyone to take it easy on folks. But be smart about it. Yelling things such as “You suck”, or ”your slow”, are just plain dumb. Wise the fuck up people. Get funny, and be a clown. Literally, go to the store get some make up, and be a god dang clown!
We all need to embrace everyone else’s short comings, hug that ugly idiot next to you, and holler at the competitors. For Pete’s sake just party!!!! Never forget the T$A loves all of you.
Hugs, and Punches,
Greetings, Warriors of Life.
A most splendid time of year approaches. We at T$A have been readying our bodies, and minds for the oncoming battles. From the intelligence we have been gathering, it seems many others are preparing in vain for war bound to ensue. Fortunately we are not only strong in spirit, but also in mind. The threatening mutterings of those to whom we are greatly superior to, affects us not a bit. We encourage their lofty goals. We as a community need folks with this spirit and vigor, though it be false. If we as a culture did not have such parties, where would we be?
Our group has been tasked with several jobs. Each member assigned to a duty which plays into their strengths, to ensure our domination of each goal. Belvedere has been tasked with the construction of many elaborate structures, and apparel. With the help of his dear dear wife Rachel, these products are far superior to what I anticipated. True champions of life!
Kong has been scouring the Earth to harvest various minerals, and meats for us to ingest. His talent for finding and identifying these rare sources of power are unrivaled. This comes at a cost to his mental well-being. His will, and strength are tested daily in his searches. But Kong is strong of heart, and shall always be victorious.
Our outpost in the Panhandle of Texas has been completing many a daunting tasks. Though some have led to heart-break and tears. The Man-Child’s project of introducing the pygmy Marmoset into the Palo Duro Wilderness started as a great success. Ian had formed an amazing bond with these typically solitary creatures. They took him into the group as one of their own. All seemed sparkly and well… Then came the Great Marmoset Massacre of Feb. 18th. Late the night of the 18th a yet to be identified party entered the park illegally. They came wielding machetes and nun chucks. The Marmosets fought valiantly, but we’re overcome by the superior weapons of their attackers. The Man-Child was devastated, but overcame this intense pain by the camaraderie of his teammates at T$A. The Man-Child has vowed to avenge this atrocity. The guilty will feel a pain like none other on Earth, as 7’4″ of fury rains down upon them.
T$A has sent one of Our’s abroad. The Analist was shipped off London. He has been asked to immerse himself in these oppressed peoples. We do admire their dialect, and wish to bring a bit of T$A to merry Ole England.
So be excited of the season to come. Many smiles will fly, and much blood will be spilled. We ask of you to join us in this merriment! Approach us at all the events, and imbibe on the fine beverages provided by the God dang great folks at Austin Beerworks.
Please welcome our newest member Cole. He is a twerkin’ mess, that hates wearing pants. But we heart him.
Greetings Loyal followers. Every now and then we all sit back, sip on our sherry, and reflect on our past. For those of us at TSA we do this regularly together as a god damn good looking family. Trust me we are fucking gorgeous! Recently Kong, and I were discussing how far we as a group have come. Quite far as it turns out. What originally started as a joke to poke fun at our good friends over at Super Squadra, turned out to become a complete lifestyle for a select few.
I myself have changed dramatically. Prior to TSA I was just a slightly above average man, and since have been transformed into an international jet setting Playboy. You know the type, women on every finger and what not. The kind of man all others stare at with envy, knowing they will never achieve such fame and utter radness. I am splendid! I am the Overlord!!!
But the changes in Myself pale in comparison to that of Kong. Once a feeble and shy young man. We have taken him into our loving bosom, gently fondled and molded him into a glamorous, awe-inspiring man beast. These days he cannot walk down the street without all in his path vowing their loyalty and bodies to him. He has become a beautiful machine. I love him and what he has become with all of my heart. Rumors have flown around about our relationship, “Have they gone too far?”they cry, I say Neigh, we have only just begun! The world has not even begun to understand the awesomeness we shall present them.
When all of you lesser beings begin to understand the lengths at which we at the TSA have gone to bring you pleasure, and success, the thanks you offer shall never be enough. Fortunately we do not need such thanks. The pure love on your faces basking in our glory is payment enough.
To you world I say thank you. All we do, we do for you. Do not forget we have not even begun give you our all. Prepare to be inspired.
The Perfect Machine.
“We need more glitter.” I wish I had a beer for every time I heard a T$A member say that shit. T$A doesn’t really follow a lot of rules. We don’t over think stuff. If we had to impose a guideline ourselves it would be an obvious one; ” Make it AWESOME”. Or to be more specific, “Can we make it MORE AWESOME?”
We’ve been a team for a couple years now, but only last December did we become recognized by the almighty USAC as an official team. As a requirement ,USAC demands that your team throws a badass race. Don’t over think it. Make it AWESOME. Make it more AWESOME than expected.
Cyclocross is AWESOME. But could we make it MORE AWESOME? What’s another word for AWESOME? More better? Yeah, more better. More better barriers. More better antics. More fuckin glitter. So that’s what we did. We made notes on napkins. Gave impulsive dictations to anyone who’d listen. Drew out fantastical diagrams. Bought bulk glitter. Ideas come easy, but rainbows don’t make themselves.
We have come to the close of another season, but our horns point to the future. 2013. Zilker Park 2015. T$A is here to stay. Expect MORE AWESOME to blast you in the face of YOUR future and that of your competition. We will have to compete against ourselves in the coming years to find an equal, but please by all means, try to be MORE AWESOME. Who knows, we may make room for you on this side of the rainbow. Stay HORNY my friends.
TSA for N.A.: A Case for Unilateral Governance by TEAM SUPER AWESOME of the United States, Canada, and possibly Mexico
There is no question that our current two-party system is an inefficient and gluttonous source of gridlock and waste, and divisive infighting. Increasingly polarized political parties seem just as intent on sabotaging the legislative gains of the opposing party as they are in advancing legislation of their own. Current polling shows that more than half of the American public is unsatisfied with the performance of Congress. What does this mean? It means that democracy is dead. Step the fuck aside and let the Team Super Awesome (hereafter referred to as “TSA”) run this shit. In this scenario, it is a foregone conclusion that the United States of America, Canada, and possibly Mexico would all be restored to their former glory. By implementing TSA’s 5-fingered back-hand plan, China, Russia and the Iranian nuclear threat will disappear overnight, where they belong. Allow me elaborate on the details of TSA’s 5-fingered back –hand plan. Finger one: dissolve all branches of government with the exception of the Judicial. The Supreme Court will consist of a single, unquestionable judge, jury and executioner. This position will, of course, be a figure head appointed by the TSA, and they will prioritize official TSA business above all other policy decisions. Finger two: National policies will be reductionist and simple, but salient. For example: Schools will be replaced with Soviet style training camps. Weak children will be sent to the mines in Mexico (this of course is assuming they are with the program and large aluminum mines are established across the Yucatån). Children with potential will be sent to Belgium where they will be hardened in the deep barren, and cold wilderness. Finger three (the middle finger): This is where we say to the world, “fuck off, world, you’re drunk”. With TSA at the helm, Foreign Policy will be as follows- all international aid will be cut off. The USA, Canada, and possibly Mexico will withdraw from the United Nations. Our only international obligation will be motherfucking NAFTA, motherfuckers. No more free lunch. We’ll tidy this up by moving all the remaining overseas factories to Mexico (assuming they’re on board). Let NAFTA reign! Finger four: TSA has more leadership, courage and freedom in this one finger than any of those bitches in the two-party system. Fact. The people are longing for a new direction. TSA is direction. Fifth and final finger of the 5-fingered back-hand plan (the thumb): In the traditional backhand the thumb is not but a watchtower atop the mountain of four fingers raining down upon thy enemies. TSA is that watchtower. We will be the all guiding policy makers for respect. Conclusion.
TSA is not a homogenous group of common folk. Instead we encompass all that is your dreams and goals for life. We embody a fantastical revolution; an eclectic human rainbow-herd of awesomeness. A mouthful for you is something we nibble on. We can see a whole landscape in our peripheral vision. We hear the whole depth and breath of Vivaldi’s Violin Concerto in d, in one second. Our pheromones can be smelled across vast oceans. It’s no surprise then that our roar attracts all that feel they too encompass these qualities. It has come to the attention of our great elders that individuals have attempted to join our ranks with subpar abilities; a lack of panache, if you will. Amongst the mountains of love letters and applications sent to us, nearly none we’d consider pass our gaze.
Recently, a famous powerhouse had submitted an application amongst great turmoil. “Seven victories,” his battle cry; claiming victories in battle against men with the adequate equipment. To have the best enhancing nutrients available to him, we knew however, something was not quite right here. Refer to how, “a regular part of the TSA training regiment includes the use of all natural Unicorn-sourced supplements. Many of these supplements and essences enhance our naturally occurring abilities to forcefully dominate, and will continue to be a firmly held secret”(Kong). Could he have access to this, the most powerful of natural supplements? Flying unicorns went to spy upon this individual. We could not of anticipated what we found. Immediately it was clear he was attempting to match our panache. In fact, not only did he not have the famed third leg we have become renown for (see the Analist). He was illegitimate. He had only one ball of power. All sorts of performance enhancing drugs were being imbibed into his blood steam. These synthesized compounds are no match for our all natural supplement. Our glamour is maximized by our connection with the earth mother, the one consciousness we share with the unicorn, and the energy that exists all around us.
The unicorn is an animal of great incorruptibility, of righteousness, of principle. Upon the sight of this treachery, this blasphemy; the steed immediately informed the USADA and UCI. His treachery would involve great consequence; an in-depth investigation that would reach the world news. USADA had asked us to keep this conversation quiet until the man; Lance Armstrong was convicted of his treacheries. After stripping him of his victories, we have been granted the ability to divulge this previously confidential information.
Lance Armstrong has been blacklisted from ever joining the TSA for his use of synthesized compounds in place of all natural supplements. He refuses to speak about his covert application to our noble horde. But, in keeping with our noble mascot and best fans, we are obliged to inform the public. Graciousness to the Unicorns is upon us, and may you all have the ability to bask in our glow, if even for a minute.